Just as my lids were coming together the face of my eight-year old daughter flashed before me. I had had a brief thought of my husband earlier but discounted it immediately. As a grown man, being left alone would be hard, but he would be able to survive without me. My daughter, no! Nor my son! My eyes flew open in my mind and I started to scream "NO, NO, NO, I will NOT! I will not leave my children." The Return Do not ask me how I know, but at that moment I felt a smile. I did not see a face but I felt the smile and its warmth radiate through my whole body. I had not been influenced directly; I had been allowed to make my own decision, but something put the image of my daughter before my eyes. I had become rather self-centered before the surgery. The struggle to keep living was my entire focus and my family had taken a back seat. The warmth stayed with me for a short time. Then, suddenly, with a jolt, I could hear and feel all the machines again. The pain had returned. My hands were tied. The respirator whooshed. I opened my eyes and could see the hospital room. The first real day of my long recovery had begun. I spent several more days on the respirator until the fluid cleared from my lungs. One week after the first surgery, I returned to the OR and they finished the surgery. I bled again and needed six more units of blood, but I knew I was in no real danger. I was being watched over the whole time. Miraculously I went home from the hospital four days postoperatively to celebrate my daughter's ninth birthday the following day. Not Again Three weeks postop, while rolling over in bed, I dislocated two disks in my neck. I endured the pain for another three weeks before returning to the hospital. The pain was terrible and nothing could control it. They tried morphine and more than 40 trigger-point injections. I screamed in my head, "You lied to me." I was angry and disappointed. I had not been told the whole truth. I knew my recovery would be long and hard. I knew it was going to take all my strength to accomplish, but I had been led to believe nothing else would go wrong. Yet here I was in horrible shape again looking at cervical fusion surgery.